Monday, February 27, 2012

You're Full of Shit!

I'll say it again, "You're full of shit"

Oh, relax, I'm stating a fact not a judgment.

The reality is that I'm full of shit too.  But the other day, for the first time in my life, I wasn't full of shit.

But to tell that tale, we have to jump back a month...

I was at the doctor getting my physical.  Now I don't know if I'd ever had a physical before.  I like to visit the doctor about as much as Dorothy likes to visit the Wicked Witch of the West.

Sure, he's useful for dispensing anti-biotics should I get a hangnail or be depressed because I overspent on something I didn't need and now I'm depressed and stressed (it's ok, that's not me at all).  The fact is, I have trouble relating to a doctor my same age that looks 20 years older than me, isn't in shape and doesn't dispense any kind of preventative care as part of their practice.  Western medicine is good for surgeries and dispensing drugs. 

I opt for naturopathic solutions these days.  Simple acupuncture cured a nasty shoulder injury that I thought was a torn muscle or rotator cuff.  Had I done western medicine I'm sure I would have been on drugs and/or through surgery for the same thing.  Ridiculous.

Ooops...that got me sidetracked.

One of things my doctor convinced me to do is get a colonoscopy.  "It's one of the easiest things to do and provides the best detection for problems that can actually be fixed early before they really are problems."

Okay.

Actually, I don't know why I trusted him.  He's the guy that got to stick his finger up my butt to check my prostrate!

Seriously, in the age of mobile phones you can talk to, the only way to diagnose prostate problems is to still stick your hand up somebody's ass?  I think we need to devote less money on new cell phone features and more on that!

So he convinced me that the colonoscopy is just a quick in and out procedure that they'd put me to sleep for and I wouldn't even know what happened.

Well...the devil is in the details, isn't it?  What he forgot to inform me about is that in order to look at all the internal plumbing, they first have to "clean it out"

This is where I'd learned that we are all full of shit!

We're basically just like a pencil but instead of the internal core being filled with graphite, our core is filled with shit! 



So how do they clear that out?  Laxatives!  Lots of 'em! 

So just like Dorothy to the Wicked Witch of the West, they want to liquefy the shit to clear it out.

It's a long agonizing process too.  They start you 5 days ahead by eliminating all medications.  And if you don't die from that (not a problem for me, I don't take any) then 3 days prior they eliminate all fruits and vegetables along with a bunch of random things like nuts, seeds, red and purple things.  Glad I wasn't hungry for those red Lego pieces....

The night before I had to switch to a liquid diet, we were out for a date night at a restaurant.  I could only find one restaurant that catered to my wifey-poo's vegetarian/vegan like needs and my need to not have any vegetables and fruits.  She got a nice healthy dinner.  I got a cheese sandwich.

So the day before the procedure you get to go on a liquid diet.  They offer up about 6 things you can have that are liquid like.  They even offer up a "sample menu"

Breakfast:  1 cup broth, 1 cup clear fruit juice, 1 cup jello, straight coffee

Lunch:  1 cup broth, 2 cups Crystal Light, 1/2 cup fruit ice, 1 popsicle, hot tea

Dinner:  1 cup broth, 1 cup fruit juice, 1 cup jello, 1/2 cup fruit ice, hot tea

Are you kidding me?  They only allow six things total, does somebody really need a menu planner for this?  Plus, you've got to drink 64 oz of sport drink heavily laced with laxatives at the same time.  And when I say laxatives...the entire large size bottle.  It's enough that you'd have to open like 125 of those sugar packages at a restaurant to equal the amount of powdered laxative they have you take.

Let me just say that when you're crapping liquid, the last thing you want to ingest is MORE liquid!!!

So essentially, the entire day and evening before the procedure is spent very, very, very near the bathroom.  Plus, the next morning you get to do it all over again.  The plan is that they want your "poo" to go from brown to clear.

Now once it's all over, you truly are not full of shit anymore!  It's sort of like having that pencil outer but without the graphite inner.  Now, a pencil can be filled with other stuff like colored crayons that produce a different exterior result.

I thought, "Awesome.  Can't I just fill up with chocolate or strawberries or something besides shit?"

And that's where my pencil analogy ran out of steam.  I think the more applicable analogy is my home juicer.  You see, no matter what combination of vegetables and fruits I put into that thing, what comes out the other end is some variation of brownish color.  It's the same with us humans.  No matter what goes in the pie hole, what comes out the other end is always....shit!

So beware the doctor that preaches of easy in/out procedures...he just might be "full of shit!"

14 comments:

Beth said...

Yup, the prep’s the killer!
The doctor gave me a digital print of my impeccably clear colon – like that’s gonna encourage me to go through the procedure again!

Kurt said...

I had to have them go in the other end recently - upper endoscopy. No real prep, except you can't eat twelve hours before. They gave me Propofol, which once helped Michael Jackson get to sleep. Good times.

nursemyra said...

Yeah, I've had the endoscopy too but not the colonoscopy. Sounds like a right pain in the arse.

sybil law said...

I once watched an interview with someone, maybe Chevy Chase, where he said that he and some other famous dudes all get together and have a pre-colonoscopy party. Seriously. They play cards and drink the laxatives and shit all night, then go in to have the procedure done. Pretty sure he was serious, too!

ReformingGeek said...

I just can't wait. Thanks for all the gooey details.

Ugh.

Monkey Man said...

Pretty fair description. I just think of a colonoscopy as a procedure with an asshole at both ends.

Gotta tell ya though. Colonoscopy saved my life. It is just a part of early detection and I recommend it to anyone over 50 or who has a family history of colon cancer or polyps. Didn't save me from having to go through chemo but at least I am cancer free.

Quirkyloon said...

And somehow you did NOT know this already?

Fer shame VE! Fer shame!

*grin*

Mother Theresa said...

Sounds like fun...not! But hey, at least you got some good shit to blog about out of it. ;)

lime said...

somehow i'm thinking this post isn't going to win converts to the process...

VE said...

Beth - Did you print it out and stick it on the refrigerator?

Kurt – I like things without a lot of prep…sound like the other end is a better deal…

Nursemyra – Especially if you try and use regular toilet paper for the 147 times you’ll have to use the bathroom…

Sybil – That’s pretty weird. I’ve heard that Chevy Chase is sort of an asshole in real life so this is making more sense…

Reforminggeek – Glad I could share…

Monkey man – well that sounds like it was a small price to pay for you…

Quirkyloon – Yeah, I know. Somehow I missed that membership invite to the Colonoscopy Social Club…

Mother Theresa – That’s right…the more you suffer, the more material you will have!

Lime – Yeah…I never was much of a salesman…

gab said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gab said...

last year when I had to have the procedure done I had several problems that had never occurred before. Like one they found I'm allergic to the prep and one of the other things they give to you....so I ended up having it come out both ends. I my self have this procedure done like every 4-5 yrs as my mom had rectal cancer and then latter passed from cancer so they keep me on this schedule of checking often. Not that I like it but its better to be safe than sorry or so they say

Mrsupole said...

I think this is one of the few times that I don't have much to say. I am not sure if I want to go through that but I guess if I had to then I would. And I think if it saves lives then it is a good thing.

God bless.

VE said...

gab - Well I'm glad something good can come from because rectal cancer....that IS a pain in the ass...

mrsupole - Not much to say? Then I win! haha...