Thursday, August 27, 2015

Terrifying Things


You know, it's been awhile since I had a guest blog post.

You know, it's been awhile since I had even a post!  Don't go there...

Yes, it's tough to do blog posting while retired in Spain.  I was going to wait for a rainy day to post but it hasn't rained....since like April.  And I did get a bit sidetracked by visiting Rome, Paris, London and Liverpool this summer...so don't blame me on the lack of VE humor...it's just very difficult living this life of luxury...

So anyway, I do have a guest blogger...

Ash Stevens is a bi-cultural blond with a B.S. in Sarcasm. When she's not reading up on the latest green trend, she's touring the country to educate people on the importance of feminine armpit hair. Find her on Twitter @AshStevens000

So...without further ado...here's her guest post (and this should garner a few "ewww" comments...another thing I haven't had on the blog for awhile...hehehe

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The world is full of terrifying things. Abducting aliens, oatmeal raisin cookies, Donald Trump, and ghosts all make us grimace in horror. These things all keep me awake at night, but one thing haunts me at night like nothing else… Parasites. I would happily jump aboard an alien ship or marry Trump before I would become a parasitic host. Read on, and you too will see why...

Dirofilaria immitis (aka Heartworm)
These lovely little parasites are passed to dear Fido and Fluffy by mosquitoes. Doggy dearest gets bit and then, six months later, these itty-bitty parasitic larvae have transformed into adult spaghetti noodles that squirm through the heart and lungs.

And just what does a heart-loving worm look like in action?
I thought you’d never ask!





Spaghetti with heart sauce courtesy of Valley Vet

These guys are certified barf-arific. Do the world a favor and get your dog-loving friends some heartworm medication for Christmas.

Ticks
These buggers are nothing new, however, blood-suckers are always a worthy honorable mention. It’s great enough that they feed off our blood, but get a load of how they do it!

First, they find themselves a cozy little spot to cling into. Then they cut through our skin so they can insert their handy little feeding tube (even barbed for mobile feeding convenience). Once the blood starts flowing they can hang out there up to fifteen days. And you won’t know it! Thanks to natural selection, these nasty little bugs are nature’s licensed anaesthesiologists, emitting their very own numbing medication for your parasite-hosting pleasure.

If that’s not nasty enough, consider this. They creep around from host to host drinking even more blood, adding to their inner stew of pathogens, happily sharing diseases everywhere they go.



Disturbing enlargement credits to Havahart

Shave your head, your dog, your everything. And if you’re itching to frolic through grassy hills or skip down lush mountains, then throw on a tick collar.

Botflies
Here’s another fabulous parasitic freeloader we can thank mosquitoes for (may they burn in hell). Botfly grabs mosquito, botfly drops a couple eggs on mosquito, mosquito flies off to find something to eat, eggs fall on fleshy victim and hatch, and botfly larvae chomp through fleshy victim’s skin.

Good news? They’re only flesh-crashing until they’re ready for the next stage of the lifecycle. Bad news? Their handy little tunnel serves as a ventilation system, so they’ll regularly peek out to say hello. No, this does NOT make them easy to get out! They’re fat little creeps, and if they explode inside you, you’ll see the magic that intestinal microbes can work with meaty tunnels.


What lesson can we take from this? Flights to South America are cheap for a reason.

Guinea Worms
Some people lie awake in bed with thoughts of machete-wielding burglars. Then there are people like me who sob prayers into their pillow, with small breaks for dry-heaving, over the haunting thoughts of the guinea worm.

It all starts with a hungry water flea that ends up getting swallowed by some silly mammal. Stomach acid gets to work, and the worms are freed. An incestuous coupling ensues, and then big mama makes her way to a lower limb where she chomps on tasty tissues and grows up to five feet long.

The disgust doesn’t end there though! Mama had laid her eggs, and now there’s an excruciating blister. When bath-time comes for our lucky little host, the blister breaks and thousands of larvae swim away. Fun as that is, now mom has her cue to make a break for it, and she spends the next few weeks writhing her 3-5 foot long body out of your broken blister. 





Photo Courtesy of a Google Search

Note: Hypnotherapists can wipe your memory free of the Guinea Worm for a considerable and totally-worth-it fee.  

Ascariasis
I’m not sure what’s more revolting. The fact that doo-doo is a part of the process, or that these things may use your mouth or nose to make a break for it

Anyways, someone somehow “accidentally” scarfs down some fecal-covered eggs, which then hit the stomach and hatch into wriggly little worms. Some of them will work their way up the throat where you may end up tongueing them before they’re swallowed deep into your digestive system. Others will call it good by crashing in the lungs (smart move considering they’re conveniently located near the emergency exits provided by your face).

Consider including scrub brushes, soap, acid, and poo detectors in your travel bag.

Conclusion
Get rid of your pets, pressure wash yourself three times daily, boil everything to hell and back before ingestion, and never leave home without a water filter. In fact, skip out on leaving home in general.

  
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Thanks to Ash for giving me a post and making my readers cringe with those special photos...

9 comments:

Troy Lambert said...

Funny stuff. And gross. Going home to pressure wash myself now.

ReformingGeek said...

I'm fumigating my entire house and building a bubble around it. All visitors must pass through my decontamination chamber before dropping off supplies.

UGH.

Ed said...

troy - Yes, after Ash's post I've decided to wear a fully body condom...

reforminggeek - Good plan...glad to see somebody is still around from my old blogging days too!

Subby said...

"Barf-arific"! For sure. I've had way too many tick bites, over the years :( Surprised not to see "ear worms" in this post *shudder*

And to think I get my spring water from a totally open source :[]

Ed said...

subby - Yeah...I wouldn't be doing a neti pot rinse in that if I were you...

kold_kadavr_ flatliner said...

Tella youse bout summore terrifying things, son, ones you'll see in the Abyss o'Misery if you aint too carefull:

Perhaps people call me crazy cuzza the off-the-charts, intangible jewelry which I saw when I had my NDE... or perhaps they call me odd cuzz they wanna shut-me-out: they're too involved with their trinkets-N-baubles; too transfixed by the 'carte-blanche-insanity' we're all living under in their narrow, whorizontal indifference ...???

Nevertheless, if I'm a bottomless, sinfull mortal with only a few MOE CURLEY years to live, I'm definitely crazzy-as-a-loon 4 Seventh-Heaven, the only realm I'm inflammably, passionately insane over: OFF-or-ON, I getta message young women in panties with oil (among other thangs); where, those who git accepted by loving God & loving our nay-bore, may do anything & have anything 4 the length & breadth of eternity. Who wouldn't want a tantamount of eternal joy??? To serve them, love them & B1 withem (<- like that word)??

Precisely why we ROTE this: though I never went IN, I actually saw the Great Beyond after our messy, catalyst ottowek; follow along if ya wanna wiseabove this tragedy, this lemming-like-facade at croakin' time: 1-outta-1 bites-the-dust, baby. And dats da fak, Jak.

If you dont & decide on Hell through your 'laissez-faire-indifference', your choice, lemming, your demise: the Just God demands FREE-WILL for all His lowly creatures 2 share in His everlasting S.T.O.R.e ... Subject To Official Rules ...enjoy!!

Let this be your catalyst:

'The more you shall honor Me,
the more I shall bless you'
-the Infant Jesus of Prague
(<- Czech Republic, next to Russia)

Love him, leave him or feel indifferent...
you better listen to the Don:
if you deny o'er-the-Hillary's evil,
which most whorizontal demokrakkrs do,
you cannot deny Hellfire
which YOU send yourself to.

God bless you, earthling.

kold_kadavr_ flatliner said...

Tella youse bout summore terrifying things, son, ones you'll see in the Abyss o'Misery if you aint too carefull:

Perhaps people call me crazy cuzza the off-the-charts, intangible jewelry which I saw when I had my NDE... or perhaps they call me odd cuzz they wanna shut-me-out: they're too involved with their trinkets-N-baubles; too transfixed by the 'carte-blanche-insanity' we're all living under in their narrow, whorizontal indifference ...???

Nevertheless, if I'm a bottomless, sinfull mortal with only a few MOE CURLEY years to live, I'm definitely crazzy-as-a-loon 4 Seventh-Heaven, the only realm I'm inflammably, passionately insane over: OFF-or-ON, I getta message young women in panties with oil (among other thangs); where, those who git accepted by loving God & loving our nay-bore, may do anything & have anything 4 the length & breadth of eternity. Who wouldn't want a tantamount of eternal joy??? To serve them, love them & B1 withem (<- like that word)??

Precisely why we ROTE this: though I never went IN, I actually saw the Great Beyond after our messy, catalyst ottowek; follow along if ya wanna wiseabove this tragedy, this lemming-like-facade at croakin' time: 1-outta-1 bites-the-dust, baby. And dats da fak, Jak.

If you dont & decide on Hell through your 'laissez-faire-indifference', your choice, lemming, your demise: the Just God demands FREE-WILL for all His lowly creatures 2 share in His everlasting S.T.O.R.e ... Subject To Official Rules ...enjoy!!

Let this be your catalyst:

'The more you shall honor Me,
the more I shall bless you'
-the Infant Jesus of Prague
(<- Czech Republic, next to Russia)

Love him, leave him or feel indifferent...
you better listen to the Don:
if you deny o'er-the-Hillary's evil,
which most whorizontal demokrakkrs do,
you cannot deny Hellfire
which YOU send yourself to.

God bless you, earthling.

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